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Oh No They Didn't! -

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  • 04/03/13--19:38: The Lakers Troll Shaq

  • Jayne Kamin-Oncea, USA TODAY Sports

    By all accounts, Shaquille O'Neal's jersey retirement ceremony Tuesday evening was a smashing success. Except, that is, for one thing. When his jersey was raised to the Staples Center rafters with the rest of the Los Angeles Lakers legends, his name and number were printed on the front of the jersey, not the back.

    Check the collar — it's notched at the center, not rounded. Shaq's jersey is already a jarring sight next to those of Jerry West, Magic Johnson, and the others, because it's the first retired number to feature their modern style of jersey. But this gaffe makes it stick out even more. Hopefully they don't do this again in a few years when retiring both 8 and 24 for Kobe Bryant. Which is totally happening.

    UPDATE: The team has acknowledged the error, according to the Los Angeles Times. "The oversight will be corrected and a new jersey put up as soon as possible," a Lakers spokesman said.


    That's why The Lakers are shit

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    Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester has joined Robert Downey Jr. in The Judge, the Warner Bros. dramedy being directed by David Dobkin.

    Meester joins a cast the includes Robert Duvall, Vera Farmiga, Vincent D’Onofrio, Dax Shepard, and Billy Bob Thornton.

    Judge is a co-production between Team Downey and Big Kid Pictures and a Boston shoot beginning in June is being eyed.

    Downey stars as a successful attorney who returns to his hometown for his mother's funeral to discover that his estranged father (Robert Duvall), the town's judge, is suspected of murder. The man sets out to discover the truth, and along the way, reconnects with the family he walked away from years before.

    Meester will play a character with whom Downey has a one-night and whose later revelations cause quite a bit of headaches for the man.

    Judge is Meester’s first major move since wrapping Gossip Girl, which ran for six seasons on the CW. In that time, she appeared in such movies as Date Night, Country Strong, The Oranges and That’s My Boy.

    She is repped by WME, Leverage Management, and Stone Meyer.


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    We all have our guilty pleasures when it comes to television shows and MTV has become the front runner as our eccentric drug dealer in the last decade or so. Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach, Teen Mom… all shows that no one really likes to admit they watch, but will never miss an episode partnered with a nice glass of red.

    I, myself, have fallen victim to the MTV parade and have noticed one thing in particular; most of the shows that I have found intriguing enough to commit to watching have all been cancelled. Why? Production value, plot issues, the liquidation of the show’s corresponding department, or the fact that I was one of five people that actually enjoyed watching them.

    At any rate, the following is my top ten list of shows that I personally believe MTV was stupid for cancelling.

    6. Singled Out (1995-1998)

    I’m not sure I even need to explain this show and how amazing it was. One of the first reality dating game shows fit for teens, Singled Out combined mindless elimination with the beauty of a young Jenny McCarthy and an all or nothing conclusion. It was generally a fun show to watch!

    It wasn’t a whole season of getting to know the finalists or dramatic rose passing ceremonies. It was good, clean fun. It really never should have been cancelled, especially if MTV would, much later, introduce a reality dating show starring Tila Tequilla that would be as lame and cookie-cutter as the rest of them.

    5. Undressed (1999 – 2002)

    One of the most sexually charged shows to have ever existed outside of the premium channels, Undressed was responsible for cold showers all across the viewing population. Set in college, the show followed several different students on the road to sexual freedom. The plot was thin in most places, written purely for the opportunity to connect three different sexual confrontations, but it did what it was meant to do: excite audiences into watching more.

    Yes, when this show first aired, I was young. Too young to be watching it, but that didn’t stop me. It helped me see that sexuality wasn’t something to be ashamed of and that, when the time was right, I could embrace it. And that right time was college. A lot of people can argue that the show was distasteful, but when you’re watching a show called Undressed, what can you really expect?

    3. Clone High (2003)

    This cartoon series was only on television for one season. One season! An absolute outrage for something as original and witty as Clone High. The premise of bringing historical figures back to life with cloning and putting them all in high school together is interesting enough, but to portray their own conflicts with living up to their originals made for a nice twist set against the backdrop of average teenage problems.

    There was not one historical figure that went unnoticed when illustrators dove into this show, but their choice of main characters was fantastic. Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, John F. Kennedy, and Cleopatra, whom it is safe to say would otherwise never be seen together, get along, fight, make out, and destroy each other throughout the series, just as any high school characters would. I actually had this series on DVD and, not for nothing, but every person I ever showed it to fell in love and shared in my rage for its cancellation.

    2. Celebrity Death Match (1998-2002)

    What can I say about this show that hasn’t already been said? There will never be a lack of celebrities that people want to see go toe to toe in a death match. This was the show that made that a reality. A claymation portrayal of limb-losing, head-smashing, back-breaking carnage, Celebrity Death Match paired comedy and violence together better than anything else either before or after its arrival to MTV.

    Though the celebrities themselves were pretty captivating, the show offered three constants in the two hosts and the referee, all three respectively engaging and dependable. The show was hilarious, the action delivered, and, whether they won or lost, all celebrities got what was coming to them, which was very satisfying.

    1. MTV’s Fear (2000-2002)

    Cancelled when it was the top show MTV broadcasted, MTV’s Fear was one of the first, if not the first, reality horror/paranormal investigation show. Long before Ghost Hunters, Stranded, and Haunted Collector were even in the works, this show delivered the terrifying, gut-wrenching thrill that all of us were looking for in life. Matching up a group of random citizens, the show sent their contestants to the “most haunted” places in America (only once sending their cast to Mexico, which ended terribly and resulted in a new group being sent) and daring them to perform very strange, borderline masochistic acts in order to survive through the end of the night to get their promised $5,000 prize.

    Watching the show made you squirm, cover your eyes, and even bring your legs up onto the couch. It was hard to imagine being sent to a terrifying place, but then being asked to sit in a jail cell for thirty-two hours alone in silence? Or to put a noose around your neck where the rumored ghost had hung himself? No, thank you.

    The show was cancelled after its second season due to production costs, but I sincerely believe it was MTV’s biggest mistake taking this off the air. Now that MTV is completely rich from entertainment stains such as The Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant, they surely have enough to re-launch the scariest reality show that was ever on television.


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  • 04/03/13--20:46: Who went home on Survivor?


    Source: Me/TV

    I hate Phillip more and more every day, so seeing my hate-sister go home made me sad.

    Good news is that Cochran maintains his chances!

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    There are any number of reasons horror fans were uneasy about the choice of Uruguayan director Fede Alvarez to direct the "reboot" of Sam Raimi's seminal demon-possession film The Evil Dead. Here are a few.

    (1) He'd never directed a horror film.
    (2) He'd never directed a feature film.
    And (3), Raimi found him on YouTube.

    Yes, you read correctly. Alvarez had posted Panic Attack, a short film with desktop FX about alien robots attacking Montevideo, and it went viral with the Hollywood crowd.

    "I agree, it doesn't happen every day," Alvarez says in a phone interview. "But at the end of the day, it's nothing new. In the past, the director would go to a film festival with his short, and some producer would see the short and a job might come out of that.

    "Now, instead of going to a film festival, people are putting stuff on YouTube. It sounds more magical, because you are in Uruguay and you put it online, and the next day you have hundreds of e-mails from Hollywood telling you they want to work with you.

    "That's super-magic and great. But in essence it's the same. We're living in great and exciting times, finding new young blood to make movies."

    And speaking of new, young blood ... Alvarez chose Raimi's offer out of many because of the relative freedom his new patron offered him. And as a non-horror director, he has issues with most of them - even the original The Evil Dead.

    Like, why were a bunch of young people in a cabin in the woods in the first place (with a book of demonic incantations as reading material). In Alvarez's re-imagining - simply called Evil Dead - they're all there to help a junkie friend named Mia (Jane Levy) go cold turkey.

    "It was about creating a relevant story. I mean, just five friends going to a cabin in the woods to have fun and drink beer and have sex and then get punished and killed by a demon? That would have been silly, a dated idea."

    At 12, he was already jaded with horror genre conventions when he asked for something different at his video store back in Uruguay. The clerk gave him Raimi's film, called Diabolico in Spanish. "The Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th, I was tired of them. I went home and watched the movie and it was so scary. It was a lesson that if your parents tell you're too young to watch something, they're probably right."

    He has his own ideas about horror (a pencil stab in the Achilles tendon is more effective than guts spilling out of someone's stomach), and thinks it's no coincidence that the classic horror films have been made by non-horror directors. "If you think about The Exorcist (Friedkin), Psycho (Hitchcock) or 28 Days Later (Danny Boyle), all those are non-horror directors."

    But Raimi, who did morph from horror to Spider-Man-sized action, was a particular hero.

    "Evil Dead was such a big movie in my life. It's one of the few that I really remember when I watched it for the first time. I mean, I don't remember when I first saw The Empire Strikes Back, and it's one of my favourite movies."

    sources: article | pic/gif

    Can't wait to see this movie! Anyone up for a creepy post?

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    Sex sells. And there is nothing like a raunchy music video to go along with your song to propel it high into the charts. It is an art form.

    I think that out there, Hip Hop has the edge when it comes to raunchy videos. Following Ludacris’ P Poppin’ and Nelly’s Tipdrill Remix videos, I don’t think the raunch factor could be turned up any higher or else it would veer into out and out pornography. This will actually probably happen or has happened. But it wouldn’t be as appealing as the power of suggestion or the odd peek of a nipple. We don’t need full on sex – too overwhelming.

    The videos below all have a high raunch quotient which makes them fascinating to watch, if not erotic as well. Some are very naughty and others are more suggestive.

    7. Christina Aguilera – Dirty

    “I need that !!! To get me off. Sweating til my clothes come off”

    Good raucous dirty fun with Xtina – who by the way is upstaged by her skimpy red knickers which she proceeds to flash around at any given moment in the video. Those knickers are the real star of the show. Knickers aside, the raunchiest thing is Christina’s dancing which knocked my socks off. The choreography is amazing and Christina herself has a killer body to excite the male viewers. The video has a raw, fresh energy, like a lot of it was improvised. Kudos to the makers of the video and kudos to Christina.

    (and while we're on the subject of Xtina....)

    6. Tatu – All the Things She Said

    Rainy cod lesbian school girl antics with the two lovely lassies from Tatu. I remember when this video came out and being totally fascinated by it – the rampant portrayal of lipstick lesbianism on the music television channels during the day time. The two girls are in school uniform and they are behind bars looking out at a group of people who are all holding up black umbrellas and staring coldly at the girls who seem to be pleading with them for tolerance and understanding. In between their pleas there are close ups of the two girls snogging. They eventually walk off hand in hand in the sun.

    The two girls are very good looking and their sapphic capering would provide a mild sexual thrill to male viewers for sure, and also to our lesbian/bisexual sisters. For a further perviness factor, they are dressed in schoolgirl uniforms with skirts so short the whole world is their gynaecologist. Raunchy for sure and a good tune to boot.

    3. Nelly – Tip Drill Remix

    “It must be your ass cos it ain’t your face”

    Fairly obnoxious raunchy video by Nelly and his crew for a fairly obnoxious song which ta\kes a very cynical view of sex. Lots of women in bikinis shake their ass and frolic in baths together while Nelly and his mates film them and throw what must be thousands of hundred dollar bills at these women. It’s a pretty sleazy and down market affair – one scene at the end shows Nelly with his credit card, ‘swiping’ it down a girl’s butt cheeks – the obvious message of this act is that any woman can be bought if the price is high enough.

    The women get their own voice in, and they sound as cynical about love and sex as Nelly – “It must be your money cos it ain’t your face” they chide the men -”I know you a trick gonna spend that s**t”. All the while, beautiful girls are jiggling their butts like jelly. It is a raunchy video but it is deeply unwholesome at the same time. Which makes me love it all the more.

    2. Madonna – Justify My Love

    Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another…

    Sounds quite warped to me but that’s the message Madonna wants to get across in this video. It all begins in B&W with Madonna dressed in a raincoat with a suitcase walking down a corridor. She falls against the wall, fiddles with her clothing, and then herself. A man comes along and leads her into a room full of men and women dressed in drag and mild scenes of BDSM. Madonna is on a bed kissing and caressing a woman, the man she came in with watches her and gets pretty hot and bothered. She cavorts with the man as well until the end of the song when we see her running up the corridor laughing.

    The video for Justify My Love is an erotic classic. It is a great adaptation of the song which I happen to really like. The video has a debauched atmosphere and it plays with sexuality in ways to surprise, intrigue and challenge the viewer. Madonna is always a pioneer when it comes to videos and she made further kinky videos with Erotica and Human Nature which were also really good.

    1. Ludacris – P Poppin

    I like a woman who makes her own dough
    Don’t need a lot of help
    But your heart will melt
    If I put a thousand in your garter belt!

    A video so raunchy it borders on the pornographic, P Poppin is a very explicit song and video about pole dancing and strip teasing. There are numerous shots of women in skimpy costumes shaking their asses. Ludacris himself is surrounded by naked dancers in the video and we can see their bare breasts and cha chas.

    From what I can tell, this is a contest to find the woman who can P Pop the best. There are lots of strippers sliding down poles and here are several split beaver shots in the unexpurgated version. Ludacris and his pals are watching the entertainment and going buck wild. Thy are literally throwing thousands and thousands of dollars at these women, and this spurs the women on to do raunchier and raunchier things to get money. At the end of the video, we see the strippers all scrabbling on the floor to pick up the $100 bills.

    So is this misogyny and exploitation of women in a raunchy music video? I think we all have free will and if women choose to work in the sex industry, that is their affair. If they want to dance in a Ludacris video – fair play to them. By the look of the heap of money they got, it was well worth their time.


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    In case Adele is looking for inspiration from a music legend in the wake of Joan Rivers' continued jabs about her weight, a new video excerpt from a 1969 interview with Doors frontman Jim Morrison finds the singer emphasizing that "fat is beautiful."

    The video was released by Blank on Blank, a new online PBS series that animates old interviews between journalists and their famous subjects. This one finds Morrison talking about his experiences gaining weight and how "great" he felt when he packed on additional pounds while in college.

    Here's the transcript of Morrison's portion of the interview, in which he sits down with legendary Village Voice writer Howard Smith, whose weekly columns and reporting on the 1969 Stonewall riots were associated with the advent of New Journalism in the 1960s and '70s. Watch the full interview above.

    "You know, that's something that really bothers me. What's wrong with being fat? That's what I want to know. Why is it so onerous to be fat? I don't see anything wrong with fat. You know? I remember when I used to weigh 185 pounds. I was the same height that I now am: 185 pounds.

    And I was going to college, and I had this food ticket at the cafeteria. And the cafeteria food is mainly all based on starch. You know, it's cheap food, right? And so I don't know what it was -- I just felt like if you missed your meal, I figured, well, I was getting screwed, right? if I missed a meal, I just blew it. So I'd get up at 6:30 every morning just to make breakfast. Eggs and grits and sausages and toast. Milk. Then I'd go do a few classes and I'd make it in there for lunch. Mashed potatoes, ahh. Every now and then, they'd put a little piece of meat in something, you know? And then I'd go to a few more classes and then I'd go to dinner and it was more mashed potatoes.

    And so about three months later, I was 185 pounds, and you know what? I felt so great. I felt like a tank, you know? I felt like a large mammal, a big beast. When I'd move through the corridors or across the lawn, I just feel like I could knock anybody out of my way. I was solid, man. It's terrible to be thin and wispy because, you know, you'd get knocked over by a strong wind or something. Fat is beautiful."

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    Wth? Is everyone involved in Adventure Time deranged? Me likey.

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    Disney's Garrett Clayton is caught in "candid" shots by paparazzi

    Garrett Clayton, 19, shows off his six pack abs while skateboarding down the street in Los Angeles.

    The young actor is set to star in the Disney Channel’s upcoming Teen Beach Movie as a cool surfer, alongside Ross Lynch, Grace Phipps, and Maia Mitchell.

    The film is about high school sweethearts Brady (Lynch) and McKenzie (Mitchell) who both enjoy surfing and soon find themselves transported into the world of their favorite beach musical film, Wet Side Story.


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    Aaron Tveit on His ‘Intimate’ 54 Below Show, the Concert’s Set List & the Outpouring of Fans’ Affection
    By Staff April 3, 2013

    Aaron Tveit fans have been going bonkers since news broke that the Graceland hunk would take the stage at 54 Below for four dates in May. Since that announcement, Tveit has added two more performances (May 9 and 10), and sold out all six nights of his NYC concerts. caught up with Tveit to get the scoop on this exciting show, and what lucky ticketholders can expect from the evening of song.

    “I hope people can just come in, and have a great time listening to some great music,” Tveit said. “I have an awesome band and they are going to rock out. The theme is forming. It’s basically just songs I’ve always loved to sing, songs I’ve never gotten a chance to sing and songs that meant something to me.”

    When pressed for some actual song titles, Tveit conceded, “I will definitely sing “I’m Alive” [from Next to Normal], “Goodbye” [from Catch Me If You Can] and some other stuff I’ve done. But hopefully, there will be some surprises too that people might not expect.”

    Tveit’s show is already one of the most popular and in-demand acts to ever grace the small stage at 54 Below, selling out in mere minutes. The news of what a hot ticket he’d become took the Les Miz film star by surprise.

    “I’m really, really excited to hear [about] the response,” the Audience Choice Award winner said. And those who scored these tickets are sure to be excited to get a more personal experience with the stage and screen star. “It’s a smaller concert venue, [and so] it definitely is a much more back-and-forth experience with the house. I’ll be speaking to them and sharing some stuff, so it will be more of an intimate night than being on a Broadway stage.”

    And although Tveit has yet to take the stage at 54 Below, he is already looking ahead to future gigs. “Hopefully this won't be the last shows I do,” Tveit said. “I would love to do them many times at different places.”

    Tveit plays 54 Below May 3, 9-11, 17 and 18, and if you can’t wait until then to hear “I’m Alive,” check out the video of him rocking out in the recording studio.

    I tried my ass off to get tickets and it was a total bust on my end. The venue sent out an e-mail basically saying they weren't prepared for the response to the shows. They did the best they could and I do appreciate that they tried to remedy a messy situation.


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    Taking a break from filming, Kim Kardashian stopped off for a frozen treat at Sweets Harts on Wednesday (April 3) in Sherman Oaks.

    The on-the-go reality star relaxed in a beige maxi dress as she savored her cold delight and chatted with friends inside the shop.

    Though she is eager to get her divorce proceedings under way, Kim will have to wait until May 6 to do so.

    According to a report from TMZ, the socialite had put in a request to move the trial date to May 3 to better work with her schedule.

    The judge, however, denied the mom-to-be’s request saying that it did not work for her soon-to-be-ex Kris Humphries.

    Kim had been penciled in to be in New York City on the 6th to attend a promotional event for her new fragrance.


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    ...And participates in a civil war reenactment.

    It's no 1864 baseball but he is amazing and manages to cheer me up after a bad day. Can't believe he's turning 50 in a few weeks and he's still jumping around like that.


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    After exploding onto the scene as the child bride in a January-December marriage to actor Doug Hutchison, Stodden was forced to sustain her addiction to attention by shedding a growing number of garments for an increasingly unrealistic series of ostensibly candid shots that would then be "leaked" to gossip sites looking to fill quotas on slow news days.

    Now, it seems, Stodden has finally been left with no choice but to go all out.

    Literally: The latest issue of Robert Steven "Corpsy" Rhine's infamous Girls and Corpses magazine features a wholly nude Stodden "getting groped by a zombie".

    Here's everything you need to know about the "world's first comedy magazine about death," courtesy of their FAQ:

    Are your corpses real? Do you dig them up?

    Actually, we don't personally 'dig them up.' We're not grave robbers! The corpses are shipped to us from several locations — most notably South America, Eastern China and Guam, where the laws are more lenient about intercontinental shipment of cadavers.

    "Girls and Corpses is a silly, yet sexy magazine, which fits my personality perfectly," Stodden told E! News when asked why she gave her first full frontal to a corpse fetish magazine. "It was definitely interesting, of corpse…hehe."


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    One Direction have apparently been banned from eating junk food by their trainer while on tour.

    Morgan Spurlock, who is directing the 3D movie about the band, 1D: This Is Us, revealed on Twitter that the lads liked to taunt him by eating McDonald's in front of him - as he was put off fast food when he famously ate nothing but the fast food for a month for his film Supersize Me.

    But Morgan added that Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson had been warned off eating burgers in a bid to keep in shape for their live shows.

    He wrote: "They love eating McD in front of me, but on the new tour they have a trainer who's keeping them off the Big Macs!"

    The director - who has been following 1D everywhere for the last four months - revealed the 3D film will include footage filmed by the band themselves.

    He said: "The lads have been both in front of and behind the camera. They've been filming each other on the tour bus and on days off, great footage."

    Morgan added: "We spend a lot of down time w/ the band, w/ their families and friends. We really wanted you to see what their "normal" lives are like.

    "One of the things I really love about the lads is how much they care about and support each other. They really stand by one another."

    The director also revealed his footage included "More shirtless moments than you can imagine" and that he is considering some special 'Hair-iel' shots to capture Harry's "flowing locks". x

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    Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest, much-anticipated cookbook hit shelves Tuesday, bringing with it all the healthy, high-quality recipes one might expect from such a svelte, wholesome-looking thespian-foodie.

    The tome has been the object of ridicule for many months now because of its premise of shunning all things good: No coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell pepper, eggplant, corn, wheat, meat, soy or anything processed at all were to pass Paltrow’s lips following a health scare, including a migraine and panic attack, that led her doctor to prescribe an “elimination diet” to get herself back on track.

    The New York Post says “It’s All Good” reads like “the manifesto to some sort of creepy healthy-girl sorority with members who use beet juice rather than permanent marker to circle the ‘problem areas’ on each other’s bodies.” The Atlantic Wire calls it “the bible of laughable Hollywood Neuroticism.” And, according to, the book is “drenched in a chatty faux-populism that could only come from a rich person fearlessly boasting about her life of privilege.… Paltrow casually writes that she overnights homemade vegan cookies to her manager and often has a surfeit of apples from the trees on her $5.4M five-bedroom Hamptons summer home.”

    To her credit, Paltrow has found clever ways around her restrictions (including occasional cheating). But, upon a close inspection of recipes and their ingredients, we have to agree with on the point of privilege.

    The price of ingredients for her egg-white omelet recipe, for example? Assuming you're going to shop for the dish and stock your pantry from scratch in the Paltrow way (as we assumed for all prices here), it’s nearly $30, thanks mainly to her suggestion that you use duck eggs—which can be hard to find, but typically sell for $1 apiece. (Of course you could use standard hen eggs, though we tried to stick to how Paltrow would do it when we made our calculations.)

    But what about her muffins? What’s so expensive about a muffin, you ask? Oh, just the gluten-free flour she suggests you buy—not just any gluten-free flour (which is pricey to begin with), but Cup4Cup, a blend made by celebrity chef Thomas Keller and sold at Williams-Sonoma, which costs $20 for a 3-pound bag.

    Oh, and then there’s the $120 salad, featuring canned tuna packed in olive oil, roasted piquillo peppers and topped with dressing given a subtle sweetness thanks to one of her favorite sweeteners: Manuka honey, which averages about $25 a jar.

    Seriously, Gwyneth, we want to work worth you—even eat with you! But we can’t seem to afford it. Unless you’re buying, of course.

    And now, herewith, a sample of what is easily the “It’s All Good” $300-a-day meal plan (all recipes from "It's All Good"):

    For Breakfast:
    An Actually Good Egg-White Omelet, Spinach & Mushroom Version
    Duck eggs $10/dozen
    Garlic $ .80
    Crimini mushrooms $3
    Onion $ .50
    Baby spinach $3.99
    Coarse sea salt $3.69
    Olive oil cooking spray $6.29
    Total: $28.27

    Sweet Potato & Five-Spice Muffins
    Sweet potato $1
    Almond milk $3
    Xylitol (a sweetener) $10
    Gluten-free flour $20
    Five-spice powder $4
    Baking powder $3
    Baking soda $3
    Total: $44

    For Lunch:
    Spanish Chopped Salad with Tuna and Piquillos With Spanish Salad Dressing
    Chickpeas $3
    Olive oil $15
    Sweet pimenton $10
    Coarse sea salt $10
    Butter lettuce $4
    Scallions $1.49
    Roasted piquillo peppers $13.50
    8 oz oil-packed tuna $18.40
    Italian parsley $2
    Manuka honey $25
    Sherry vinegar $8
    Oil from anchovies $8.99
    Total: $119.38

    Raw coconut water (a suggested pantry staple)

    For dinner:
    Best Gluten-Free Fish fingers, Mustard + Old Bay Style
    Vegenaise $5
    Coarse seeded mustard $5
    Dijon mustard $3.50
    Gluten-free breadcrumbs $6
    Old Bay $3
    Fine sea salt $4
    4 sole fillets $45
    Total: $71.50

    For Dessert:
    Flourless Anything Crumble
    Apples (use any fruit) $5
    Maple syrup $14
    Sage leaves $2.50
    Quinoa flakes $6
    Cinnamon $5
    Total: $32.50

    GRAND TOTAL: $300.65

    Oh, and then there's the cookbook itself, of course: $55 with an autograph, $32 without.


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  • 04/04/13--17:24: 'Chew' TV Adaptation is dead
  • This is some tough news to swallow for comic book fans. According to writer John Layman on his official Twitter account, the proposed Chew TV series that Showtime was going to put into production is now dead. Here is the tweet:

    We haven’t heard much about the show in recent months, but with the success of The Walking Dead, we just assumed that the network would do anything to try and get into the comic book game. For those who don’t know, Chew is a series from Image Comics that was created by Layman and artist Rob Guillory in 2009. It centers on a detective for the FDA named Tony Chu, who has the ability to get a psychic impression from anything that he consumes.

    This power allows him to solve crimes by simply nibbling on some evidence. Of course this leads to some disgusting snacks and cannibalism along the way, but it’s all in the name of justice, right? We’re not too worried about the show's future because there are likely plenty of networks out there that would want to jump on the Chew bandwagon, especially with the cult following the book has gained in recent years.


    In a recent interview, Layman says that there are contingent plans for a Chew show to take shape in some form:

    HC: You’ve said Showtime isn’t happening for “Chew,” but are there contingent plans?

    JL: We had a writer, Brian Duffield, we have a director, Stephen Hopkins, who’s done a lot of Showtime stuff. And then we’ve got a half-hour and an hour script. We have all that stuff back from Showtime. They’re shopping it around…. And Rob and I are both very focused on “Chew”…. We’re just going to let Hollywood do its thing. If nothing happens by the time “Chew” 60 is out and we’re unemployed, then we take control and Kickstart a cartoon. We just can’t do it right now. So you’ve got 25 issues, Hollywood, to make a TV show, or we’re going to do it ourselves.

    Here's hoping. For more information on Chew, visit the official website.

    SOURCE 2

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     photo ScreenShot2013-04-04at53319PM_zps5cf04956.png

    There are a lot of things to laugh at in Tyler Perry's Temptation: Kim Kardashian's attempts to move and talk at the same time, Vanessa Williams's fake French accent for no reason (hoh-hoh-hohhh!), the alien dialogue, the blunt-force moralizing, the sheer ineptitude of Perry's filmmaking. (Worth noting: None of Perry's actual scripted "jokes" made the list.) But, that said, it is not a funny movie—it's a frightening one. Temptation is a movie about punishing women. Specifically, Perry is obsessed with punishing women who stray from the good woman/bad woman binary dictated by traditional Christian gender roles. That is the film's entire purpose. I watched it 24 hours ago and my skin is still crawling. And I'm starting to believe that Tyler Perry isn't just artless—he's reprehensible.

    Temptation is framed as a story told by a marriage counselor to her client. The client, some white lady, comes in and is like, "I'm thinking about having an affair! YOLO!" And the marriage counselor is like, "Well, let me tell you a little story, lady. About my, um, 'sister.'" (The first of a million spoilers: IT'S REALLY ABOUT HER. SHE IS HER OWN SISTER.)

    The "sister" in question is Judith—a nice, pretty, church-going "good woman" who wears ugly high-collared blouses, cooks dinner for her man every night, and only has married-sex in bed with the lamp off. Judith's husband, Brice, is a "good man." He works hard at a pharmacy all day, wears glasses, and is on great terms with Judith's mother. They are "happy." Except that they're totally not (spoiler #2: it's Judith's fault).

    The first hint of Judith's discontent comes when she and Brice are heading home from a romantic dinner. A group of ne'er-do-well youths on the street cat-call Judith as they pass. Judith flips the fuck out and has to be physically restrained by Brice, who tells her to calm down, ignore it, let it go. They get in the car and go home. Judith refuses to speak to Brice for the rest of the night, because he didn't defend his property her honor by fighting the cat-callers to the death. He didn't do his manful duty. "But honey, they could have had guns!" Brice says. THEN HE APOLOGIZES TO JUDITH FOR NOT FIGHTING THE YOUTHS. I didn't see the rest of the scene because my eyes fell out and rolled away.

    Meanwhile, at the Millionaire Matchmaking agency where she works, Judith meets Harley—the "third largest social media inventor since Zuckerberg!" (so, uh, LinkedIn? Christian Mingle?). Harley immediately fixates on Judith and begins scheming about how to get his penis inside her posthaste. Harley is rich, sexually aggressive (his dialogue highlights the inhuman weirdness with which Perry writes about sex: "Sex should be random, like animals!"), he believes in Judith's career (Brice, by contrast, told her that she should stay at the matchmaking agency for 15 years before starting her own practice—!?!?), and he goes jogging with no shirt so ladies will look at his muscles. "I bet you only have sex in a bed with the lamp off," he tells Judith. (Nailed it!!!) In a clunky counterexample to the cat-calling incident, Harley attempts to murder a doofy bicyclist who accidentally bumped Judith's knee with his bicycle. He is truly the best man ever.

    Oh, also Harley is literally the devil. Linemouth.

    You can tell he's literally the devil because he says things like, "Let me play devil's advocate," he drives a sinful red sports car, everything in his apartment is constantly on fire, and every time Judith's churchy mom sees him she starts screaming, "HE'S THE DEVIL. THAT MAN IS LITERALLY THE DEVIL." He is literally the devil.

    And because he's the devil, he manages to "seduce" Judith, lure her away from her good Christian life with Brice, nose-feed her mountains of cocaine, beat the shit out of her, and turn her into a cackling demon who hates Jesus and never, ever cooks dinner.
    Back at the pharmacy, Brice discovers that Harley has been running around giving HIV to all kinds of fallen women all over town. This discovery finally awakens his dutiful aggro side, so he runs to Harley's apartment to rescue Judith from Satan-AIDS, and then throws Harley through a window. Then Brice gets a new, better, non-HIV-having wife and Judith puts her frumpy clothes back on and goes to church, alone forevermore.,

    Cut back to this dialogue between the therapist and the white lady:

    "How does the story end?"
    "Well, it's still being written."
    "Did [Judith] get HIV too?"
    "Did Brice?"
    "Thank you so much for sharing this story with me I'm going to end this almost-affair and stay with my husband."


    Okay. Now. Okay. There are three main areas in which Tyler Perry is fucking over the entire human race in Temptation.

    1. Men Do Marriage Like This/Women Do Marriage Like This!

    Temptation is a feature-length Chick tract, only with slightly less artistry and nuance. Watching this film as an atheist, it makes absolutely no sense. If you don't believe in the devil, which I don't, Temptation is simply the story of a 25-year-old woman who got married too young, is no longer compatible with her partner, is frustrated with her stalled career, and is preyed upon by a charismatic sociopath with a drug problem. Then, because of Perry's fixation on Christian moralizing, the film portrays Judith's contraction of HIV (deliberately given to her by an abusive partner) as a fitting punishment for her "sins." From a godless perspective, this is bonkers.

    Outside the confines of traditional gender roles, Judith is just a woman trying to find her place in the world. She is confused, she is sad, she is frustrated. "I feel so dead with you Brice," she says. In the real world, women are not obligated to cook dinner for their husbands, or eschew casual sex, or put their careers on hold for their partners, or submit sexually to dominant men, or ignore cat-callers, or stand up to cat-callers, or swath their knees in modest hemlines, or be nice to their moms. Women are people. But in Perry's universe, women are women, and a "good woman" is a very specific and important thing to be.

    People can have whatever kind of relationships they want—if a traditional Christian marriage works for you, go nuts—but Perry's insistence on punishing women who don't follow his doctrine of subservience is harmful and oppressive. Compliance with gender roles doesn't make anyone a good person. People are good people because they're good people. Church doesn't make you good. Loving your mom doesn't make you good. Even fidelity doesn't make you good. Those are all just excuses, loopholes, cop-outs that signify "goodness" without having to actually do the legwork.

    When Judith stops being "good," she is punished. The moral of the movie is explicit: Stay in your unhappy marriage forever because the alternative is Satan-AIDS.

    Which brings me to my second point.

    2. People with HIV Are Not Your Toys.

    Three people in Temptation have HIV. One of them is literally the devil (see above), and the other two are black women who slept with the devil. That Perry would have the gall to use HIV as a punitive measure against black women who don't fit his idea of "goodness"—black women, by the way, account for 2/3 of new HIV infections among women—betrays a frightening selfishness and lack of empathy. It echoes, very plainly, the old Fundamentalist rhetoric that AIDS is a punishment from god for the sins of the gays. Perry expands that rhetoric, sure—now dirty, filthy women can sin just like gays do!—but the message is the same. Casual sex is a sin and sinners deserve HIV. That. Is. Crazy.

    The other woman infected by Harley is named Melinda (played by the Brandy), a saintly gal who works at the pharmacy with Brice. "I'm accepting my part in it," she says. She chose to stay with Harley even though he was abusive and she knew he was sleeping around. Besides, the film takes care to point out, she totally took Harley's private jet for granted—so of course he cheated! Temptation isn't a movie about Harley—who, after all, can't help his sin seeing as he is a demon from hell. It's a movie about Harley's victims. Only they're not portrayed as victims—they're sinners. They're to blame. And in the end, Melinda and Judith wind up alone, repentant and meek, while Brice finds himself a new, untainted wife.

    Apparently this needs to be said: People with HIV are people. People with HIV are not a rhetorical device that Tyler Perry gets to exploit to keep women in line. People with HIV have healthy relationships with other people, regardless of HIV status. Tyler Perry is a bad person.

    3. Harley Rapes Judith.

    Here are all of things that Judith says immediately before Harley has sex with her in his private plane: "No.""Stop it.""I don't want to.""Get off of me." Judith does not want to have sex with Harley. (There's another layer of nuance here—one reason Judith doesn't want to have sex with Harley is that she's deeply invested in Perry's beloved gender roles. But the reason for her "no" is irrelevant. Her spiritual weakness betrays her, Harley can tell she wants it, and she's punished for that weakness.)

    He does not stop. He just tries harder. He knows what she really wants, no matter what her mouth and body are saying. She never says yes. He says, smugly, "Now you can say you resisted." He has sex with her anyway. This is a rape scene. But, in Perry's universe, Harley is right. She did secretly want it. And that's the real problem.

    Afterwards, for a minute, Judith is disgusted with Harley and with herself. She pushes him away. She tells him never to contact her again. But then! Then! She's back on the phone with him almost immediately (while Brice is caught up in the football game—doofy doofy dur dur!), telling Harley he's the best she's ever had, begging him to have sex with her again. Judith, it seems, is addicted to what the dick did. And now she's like, "OMG I NEED MORE OF YOUR SATAN BONER AND ALSO COCAINE." Because that's how us fickle ladies work.

    This idea—that men know what women really want, that resistance can be fucked out of us (or consent fucked into us)—is DEEPLY NOT OKAY. It's not okay to telegraph this to young men or young women or victims of sexual violence or potential perpetrators of sexual violence or lawmakers or anyone. It's a paradigm that I was hoping had died out with Pepe LePew. It is frightening.

    I'm amazed at how efficiently Perry was able to roll back discourse, human rights, the basics of consent, and storytelling itself in just one shitty movie. Perry has done a lot for the visibility of black voices in popular culture, but that doesn't make his moralistic subtext in Temptation any less repellant and irresponsible. The world should demand better than Tyler Perry.


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  • 04/04/13--18:03: HuffPo Tries It, Again.
  • Beyoncé or Sasha: The Not-So-Fierce Feminist

    Beyoncé, featured in the latest edition of UK Vogue, offered some illuminating and wary thoughts on adding the mantle "feminist" to her growing array of titles. To be fair, she is already a wife, businesswoman, mother, pop superstar, sing/songwriter, fully realized performance character named Sasha Fierce, fashion designer, and producer. Her slate is a little crowded. "Feminist" might just be that proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. And because that camel might not have access to the same health care and

    do I detect a hint of shade?
    ... you get the gist. Beyoncé stated:

    "That word [feminist] can be very extreme. I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I'm just a woman and I love being a woman... I do believe in equality and that we have a way to go and it's something that's pushed aside and something that we have been conditioned to accept."

    Beyoncé, no one believes you are "just a woman" and no one believes you believe that about yourself, which is exactly why it is more important than ever to take the leap (more like one giant step, actually) and add "feminist" to your multifaceted identity. Feminist critics have pointed out that Beyoncé doth protest too much when she denies the feminist moniker despite promoting (for the most part) a positive image of women in her music, being critical of the economic disparities between men and women in the music business and elsewhere, and involving herself in charitable efforts that benefit women. As the saying goes, Queen Bey, if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and sounds like a duck... When Beyoncé and other successful, confident, intelligent, self-made women hold the feminist label away from them, pinched between their thumb and forefinger like a used Kleenex during a SARS outbreak, they send the message that feminism is both taboo and somehow distasteful. In Beyoncé's case, this posture diminishes her image as the "bold,""fearless" and extremely empowered woman that her pop empire rests upon.

    In her take on Beyoncé's recent remarks, Salon writer Mary Elizabeth Williams attributes some of the singer's "reluctant feminism" to what has become the defacto image of a feminist: a burlap-clad, man-hating-bra-burning-Lesbian-loving, broom-riding, humorless, angry shrew. And that is not taking into account the descriptors that are really pejorative. This in itself is a problem and not one that Williams' assurance to readers and, presumably, Beyoncé that "It's O.K. to be a feminist" will remedy. Feminism needs icons and advocates willing to challenge those perceptions through their words as well as their actions and that starts by self-identifying as a proud feminist.

    Williams also identifies Beyoncé's unwillingness to buy into pigeonholing herself within one representation or identity, which may come from her sensibility as a performer and artist. But that seems less likely when held up against the careers of other artists such as Madonna and Lady Gaga who adroitly demonstrate that there is no pigeonhole capable of containing them for very long. Instead, this feels like an instance where Beyoncé wants the gains of feminism without having to take responsibility for the messy, complicated, and, often, unpopular work that comes in being an advocate for the movement. It is a missed opportunity. Fortunately, feminism, like so many other movements, will continue to shift, change, and evolve with or without Queen Bey's blessing.


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