Opinions are like noses, everyone has one but most of them blow. Consequently, so don’t some of the dresses worn on last night’s Golden Globes red carpet. While many stars looked absolutely stunning (Charlize, Angelina, Steve Buscemi, I’m looking at you) I really can’t be bothered to give notes of congratulations to people when I can systematically bully beautiful people from behind the safety of my computer screen instead. So without further ado, here is my list of the top 10 worst dressed people at the 2012 Golden Globes.
1. JESSICA BIEL
It is obvious that Jessica Biel is incredible close to her grandmother. Wearing not only her dusty old balloon valance as a dress but wearing her 1950s Maidenform girdle from Sears & Robuck? So sweet and so fucking ugly.
2. MARIA MENOUNOS
Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat! Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!
3. NAYA RIVERA
Now, some might say Naya Rivera’s dress was not only unflattering but downright ugly. I, however, commend her for reminding us that even the most flawfree of individuals can occasionally look fucking awful. From the terrible seaming to that horrid ruched turtleneck thingie to the dishwater color, it all fails. Let's just put it this way, if her options were to wear that dress or go naked, she made the wrong choice. Though, full disclosure, no matter what she wore I think we’d all prefer if she had just gone naked. Baby girl is BANGIN.
4. AMANDA PEET
Dress sponsored by Swiffer.
5. CAMERON DIAZ
Cameron decided to sport the drunk Texan mother of 4 look last evening. This black and blue monstrosity appears to have been purchased from the clearance section of hsn.com and pairs perfectly with her tousled 90s lesbian do and glossy 'I just smoked a bowl in the ladies room' eyes. It all comes together to create a look that says “Ya know, I wassss a modellll before my good for nuttin husband stole my youth. But I’m still pretty right? You think I’m pretty? You would have sex with me? Right? Oh my god, you think I’m fat don’t you? *cries*"
6. ZOOEY DESCHANEL
Although this was once a stunning and simple black, Prada gown, Zooey got a little carried away reenacting the famous Exorcist scene in her limo and got vegan pea soup all over her pretty dress. Needless, to say there is nothing good about The Good Girl star’s dress of choice.
7. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Sarah Michelle Gellar opted for a lovely sleeping bag she found at a Phish concert. Wonder if it smells as bad as it looks.
8. PIPER PERABO
This dress is a fashion equivalent of a mullet, party on the top, homeless bag lady of the bottom. Is the slutty paratrooper look a new trend I should watch out for?
9. MERYL STREEP
I will not insult the Queen. I can only assume that she is currently starring in a remake of the 1990s Nickleodeon classic Hey Dude and was late from set and therefore unable to change.
10. UGGIE
The Artist may have won Best Picture but the film's star couldn’t even be bothered to put on pants for the event? What a bitch.