Sometimes, polite encouragement and disapproving stares prove unequal to the task. Sometimes, even that British reserve has to crack and you just have to tell someone off in no uncertain terms. At times like these, cinema has your back. Whether you're a football manager with an underperforming World Cup team this week, or just a worker trying to get the best out of your colleagues, one of these epic harrangues should have the answer...
THE UNTOUCHABLES
This appears to start as a delightful morale booster from everyone’s favourite mobster, Al Capone (Robert De Niro). He even has a hilarious prop (a baseball bat), prompting laughter from his sycophantic audience. Lots of talk about individuals and teamwork, plenty of baseball metaphors; it’s all familiar stuff for a pep talk. But what’s less familiar is when Capone suddenly brains one of his men repeatedly, right there at the table. As the blood seeps across the tablecloth and threatens to ruin the starter, his cohorts learn that he means business.
FULL METAL JACKET
The gold-plated standard for army drill sergeants everywhere is undoubtedly R. Lee Ermey’s Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. One of the only actors besides Peter Sellers who Kubrick allowed to improvise his own dialogue, Ermey’s rapid-fire insults and abuse are ridiculous, hilarious and terrifying. “How tall are you?... Five foot nine? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!” Oh, and mothers don’t escape his spittle-flecked venom: “It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!” And all that’s before he’s half choked poor old Lawrence to death. This is tough talk, with the emphasis very much on the "tough".
DOWNFALL
Ok. Yes. This one might be slightly difficult to take seriously nowadays, given the staggering number of re-subtitled ‘comedy’ versions we've had over the years. From Miley Cyrus to The Hobbit, Adolf Hitler has been furious about a lot of things (including the fact that people are parodying Downfall). Still, none of these can quite take away from the power of Bruno Ganz’s original performance. Realising the gravity of Germany’s predicament, he lets loose the most almighty rant against his most senior underlings with a rage at once terrifying and impotent. Better still, Ganz has taken the whole afterlife of his performance in remarkably good humour (the subtitles are fake, btw).
GOLDENEYE
James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) hasn't exactly pleased M (Judi Dench), and the fact that he’s being all petulant and pouty doesn't help matters. M picks up the signals (“You don’t like me, Bond”), but isn't having any of it. “I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War… If you think for one moment I don’t have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong.” M’s had some withering moments since (particularly in Skyfall), but she never made Bond seem quite as small as she did here.
FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF
The greatest skiving in cinema history comes complete with a wonderful switcheroo bollocking. Ferris (Matthew Broderick) and Cameron (Alan Ruck) are about to set off on their day of adventure, but first, they must free Ferris' girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) from school. Principal Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) is on the phone with someone claiming to be Sloane's father, who says Sloane's grandmother just died, so his daughter will need the day off. Rooney is sure it’s Ferris pulling a fast one, so he highhandedly demands to see the corpse. At that moment, Ferris Bueller himself calls up on the other line. Rooney’s stammering terror is a joy to behold, even though we know that it’s actually Cameron pretending to be Sloane's dad. There’s also a wonderful feeling of wish fulfillment in seeing Cameron shout at the headmaster, “Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole! Asshole!”
The rest at the source.
What's your favorite CAPS LOCK ALWAYS ON bollocking, ONTD?