Though it’s become less of a truism every year, relatively few movies garner enough support (read: money) to warrant development into a franchise, and the ones lucky enough to spawn a sequel usually find their success short-lived, if at all. Once the weekend box office wheat is further separated from the chaff, only the most beloved, repeatedly successful of franchises ascends to the status of cultural icon. By the time a property can claim such a title, it’s among very exclusive company, a first class-flying, summa cum laude-repping, VIP room-dwelling bunch, including the likes of Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
And once these champions have clawed their way out of obscurity, up to the zenith of the entertainment world, they can sit back, relax, and crane their heads upward to see Star Wars waving at them from another planet. There’s simply no overstating how big Star Wars is, both financially, and culturally. It not only provided a gateway to science fiction and fantasy for millions of people the world over, but also fundamentally changed the business of filmmaking. And that’s just the movies; its influence has spread to the point where the phrase “Expanded Universe” is disturbingly close to literal, with enough Star Wars-branded books, TV shows, video games, toys –hell, even Snuggies- to fill the contents of a small forest moon.
It’s so big, Disney shelled out $4 billion just so they could make three new movies. That’s almost the exact same amount they spent on the entirety of Marvel Entertainment; in other words, Disney paid as much for Star Wars as it did Spider-Man, all the X-Men, and The Avengers combined. Star Wars shouldn’t even be uttered in the same breath as some of these other franchises; it’s not just out of their league, it’s out of their plane of existence. Star Wars doesn’t hang with 007 and Captain Kirk in the cultural Champagne room: it is the Champagne room.
It is Kirk’s tight-fitting shirt, and Bond’s smug sense of self-satisfaction, an infinitely perpetuating Ouroboros of cinematic, financial and cultural existence. It is Alpha and Omega, with everything in between an endless cascading flurry of special effects, and lucrative merchandise. Were you to peer into the very soul of blockbuster filmmaking itself, your only thought would be “My god, it’s full of Star Wars,” before you’re swiftly devoured by the Lucas leviathan, your screams muffled by the overwhelming swell of a John Williams soundtrack. This isn’t just a film franchise: it’s an institution.
All of which is to say that actually picking a favourite Star Wars movie is tougher than you might think. Having been split across two very different periods and generations, the core hexalogy, despite covering roughly the same timeline and cast of characters, comprises a wide array of genres, influences, and styles. And while art does not define the appreciator, the appreciator’s experience with said art determines their love of it. As such, our top scientists have perfected a test for guessing what your favourite Star Wars film says about you, and it has a 100% success rate (in that reading the test will result in a guess at what your personality is like 100% of the time).
So, time to find out: Does your love for scruffy-looking nerd-herders still burn bright? Is your fandom a sad devotion to an ancient religion? Did you even get either of those references? See for yourself!
1. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977)The Movie: Do I even have to tell you? If you haven’t seen the movie in 30 years – hell, if you haven’t ever seen it, period – it doesn’t matter. You know the story of A New Hope, because it is the story: an average nobody has a great destiny thrust upon them, and with the help of a wizard, a few friends, and his own hidden inner strength, the hero defeats the dark overlord, saves the kingdom, and rescues the princess.
Lucas took Joseph Campbell’s idea of the monomyth, and used it like a mad libs outline, plunking archetypes and story points into place like he was setting up a game of Monopoly… which is probably where the inspiration for Monopoly: Star Wars came from, actually. The only risky flourish Lucas adds is in having the gall to make the one normal sounding name in the series a loose copy of his own. Doesn’t matter how blatantly simple it all is, because it worked like gangbusters (460 million 1977 dollars worth of gangbusters). A New Hope is entertainment at its absolute essence: raw, uncut, Bolivian-grade storytelling, just with cooler special effects.
What It Says About You: Your favourite element of the franchise is the universe itself, and A New Hope captures all the parts that matter: the rebels, the Empire, the Force, lightsabers, the Death Star – everything important to the galaxy far, far away is right here. You get teary-eyed every time Luke looks out at the setting Tatooine suns, and cheer when Han shows up to save the day during the rebel assault.
A New Hope reminds you of when Star Wars was an exciting new galaxy full of adventure, just waiting to be explored, a time before Jedi religious philosophy, trade negotiations, and merchandise sales outweighing the sanctity of the story. Watching the Special Editions is like seeing The Mona Lisa through an Instagram filter. Altering perfection is an affront to art itself, and A New Hope belongs in a museum (incidentally, you think Raiders of the Lost Ark is the only Indiana Jones movie that matters).
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: None. A New Hope is fine scotch: best enjoyed straight, by itself, and not watered-down.
Soundbite: “Han shot first!”
Favourite Movies: The Matrix, Back to the Future
2. Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)The Movie: Empire takes the basics from A New Hope, and blows them up ten-fold, providing a deeper exploration of the galaxy’s conflict, setting, and players. It was such a huge trendsetter for blockbuster filmmaking, that its innovations have become cliché by virtue of everybody deciding to copy them. The primary example of how to successfully upgrade a one-off hit into a full-blown franchise, Empire is the dark middle chapter to end all dark middle chapters, complete with an awesome cliffhanger.
Remember that? When a cliffhanger would actually make you excited about spending more money on something you love? The battle of Hoth, Han getting frozen in carbonite, and the dramatic revelation of Luke’s parentage haven’t lost their impact even thirty years later, probably because most everyone agrees this is the best written, best directed film of the bunch (sorry, George). It’s got everything: suspense, laughs, action, even a swoon-inducing love triangle… which Return of the Jedi deciding to make weird and confusing.
What It Says About You: Your favourite thing about the Star Wars universe is the characters, and by Empire, they’re all present and accounted for (Admiral Akbar does not count). You love the introductions of Yoda and Lando, but it’s the evolution of Luke and the gang from stock cutouts to actual people that’s most memorable, with Han’s sacrifice at the end confirming he had carbonite cojones to begin with. The high adventure from A New Hope is still here, but it’s more complicated, mature, and satisfying, which is how you like your entertainment to be.
It doesn’t matter that the story is incomplete; the journey is more important than the destination, and Empire is the journey that made Star Wars into an everlasting icon… too everlasting, as it turns out. You’re the first to point out how terrible the prequels are, and it doesn’t matter how much of Disney’s money he gives to charity (as it turns out, almost all of it), Lucas is still a hack who wants nothing more than to ruin your childhood. The only reason you have to watch the other movies is to come up with an explanation for how Luke learns to be a Jedi in the time it takes most people to get a library card.
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn trilogy, Shadows of the Empire for the N64
Soundbite: “Actually, Vader never says ‘Luke, I am your father.”
Favourite Movies: The Dark Knight, Terminator 2: Judgment Day
3. Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)The Movie: Picking up where Empire left off, Jedi sees Luke starting to understand the appeal of the dark side (lightning powers, black leather gloves), while Han and Leia lead the rebels in a desperate final battle against The Emperor’s fleet. Jedi returns to the franchise’s roots, starting in Tatooine, and ending with a showdown at the Death Star 2.0. A tribe of adorable, easily marketed bear cubs, called Ewoks, join the ensemble, unwittingly becoming pioneers in the proud tradition of “Worst Things in Star Wars.”
Along the way, we bid farewell to Jabba, Yoda, The Emperor, and Vader, in an emotional, but triumphant swan song for the saga. Good defeats evil, love blooms on the battlefield, and it all ends with everybody partying it up Ewok-style. It’s a textbook happy ending, provided you’re willing to ignore the massive power vacuum left by The Emperor’s death, and the depression Luke faces in the wake of losing a father and a lover. But it’s not like Star Wars has ever been about politics and hormones. Could you even imagine what that would be like?
What It Says About You: Every time some geek gets worked up over the Ewoks, you have to stifle a laugh. So what if the Care Bears save the day? At what point was the franchise that named its mystical energy source, “The Force,” supposed to be taken seriously? Blockbusters are meant to be entertaining; you don’t get how someone can hate speeder bike races and cute fuzzballs, but love 20 minutes of swamp yoga with Kermit the Frog’s great-grandfather.
This series is about having fun, something Empire forgot when trying to cover up the innate ridiculousness of Star Wars, and starting the awful trend of people mistaking “darker” for “better.” The story is what’s most memorable to you, and Jedi wraps it all up in a neat little bow. You think Wicket and his bear buddies are fine, and probably laugh more often than you should at people saying, “it’s a trap!” You still have the occasional sex dream involving a gold bikini, and you’re totally cool with that.
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: Official Return of the Jedi popcorn bucket, and complementary collector’s cup from Burger King
Soundbite: “The prequels might suck, but at least now I’m taking less stick for liking Jedi.”
Favourite Movies: Roger Moore-era Bond, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
4. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)The Movie: Sixteen years after closing the book on the original trilogy, Lucas returned to his masterwork to tell the origin stories of Darth Vader and Obi Wan. Seeing as Star Wars barely qualifies as science fiction, it’s not surprising that he underestimated the risks that come travelling back in time. The alterations to the original canon were drastic: Jedi were no longer mystical knights, they were U.N. peacekeepers, saving trade deals instead of princesses. Darth Vader’s childhood turned out to be just as embarrassing as your average audience member’s, but with the added backstory of being Space Jesus, because otherwise his rise to prominence in the galaxy would just be unrealistic.
And the Ewoks? They just stared at audiences with those black, lifeless eyes, cackling amongst themselves as the crown of “Worst Thing in Star Wars” passed from an entire species, to a single Jar Jar Binks. Lucas scrapes together a few cool new characters like Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul, but then decides to kill them off during the finale, just to twist the knife a little bit further. Original Star Wars fans were not amused.
What It Says About You: You don’t give a womp rat about what the old school fans say is proper Star Wars, or even care to find out what a womp rat is for that matter – this is the best of the “good” Star Wars trilogy. You don’t get how people who saw the old movies when they were kids can turn around twenty years later, and complain that the new movies “aren’t for them.”
Yeah, you don’t waste any energy trying to defend Jar Jar, and the Trade Federation stuff is pretty boring, but who cares, Phantom Menace is a really exciting space epic. And it looks amazing… or did, anyway. You haven’t seen it in a while, but the memories are all still there: the pod-race, the big battle between the Gungans and the droids, a DOUBLE-BLADED LIGHTSABER. Let the geeks and old fogies argue about midi-chlorians – this is the Star Wars movie for you.
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: Pod Racer for the N64, Darth Maul Halloween mask
Soundbite: “Yeah, the first Star Wars is pretty good. Wait, who are Han and Luke? No, I’m talking about the first one, duh.”
Favourite Movies: Transformers, I Am Legend
5. Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)The Movie: After the surprising (which is a nice way of saying vitriolic) reaction to Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones had extra incentive to try and be the Empire of the prequels. It’s got the darker tone, a more prominent romance, an open ending, and even a chase through an asteroid belt. Too bad Lucas wasn’t the one responsible for making all those things work the first time, as his choice to double down on the love angle proves to be the entire film’s undoing.
Attack of the Clones whiplashes between Anakin channeling his sexual frustration into sand poetry, and Obi Wan pretending he’s in a Blade Runner reenactment… which is actually more like a pre-enactment when you think about it. The whole thing would have been a giant, orange turd were it not for the straight twenty minutes of fan service at the end. Even after the climactic bacchanal of lightsabers and Yoda action, original Star Wars fans were still not amused.
What It Says About You: Let’s level here: you’re probably still peeved with your parents for making you wait in line for two hours to go see another one of these things, even though you hated the first one. You say it’s your favourite just to spite them, and the experience led you into a life of rage-baiting geeks that try to alienate you for not being a die-hard about stuff like Alien and Die Hard.
You’re not trying to be a douche about it (well, not completely) – you just like to make sure fanboys keep things in perspective. When someone calls your bluff, and forces you to watch Attack of the Clones, you frequently mention how well written the dialogue is, and your belief that Padma and Anakin are the greatest love story of a generation. Looks of confused disgust, and impotent rage are more than worth your time and commitment to this belief. You’ve caused at least one aneurysm.
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: Howard the Duck, VHS of The Star Wars Holiday Special
Soundbite: “Just think: if it weren’t for Attack of the Clones, studios wouldn’t have known that a really good movie romance is all it takes to sell a movie. Without it, we might never have gotten Twilight! Is your nose bleeding?”
Favourite Movies: Batman and Robin, Spider-Man 3
6. Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)The Movie: It’s faint praise to call it the best loved of the prequels, but Sith is more than just the king of the kiddie table. This is the one where Lucas wised up, realizing the tech was the best thing the new trilogy had going for it- how else do you explain a completely CG-villain who’s shtick is having four lightsabers? Even though it’s wrapping up three movies, Sith is almost too climactic, with the last 45 minutes or so turning into a big, glowing, senate seat-spinning blur.
But there’s some solid payoff to the character arcs along the way, with Anakin finally calling Obi Wan on his contradictory BS, and Obi Wan taking the high road by chopping off three of his best friend’s limbs. Sure, it has the luxury of reaping all that was sown over the course of Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, but Sith also takes measures to be the least offensive prequel in general, featuring a near complete absence of politics, angsty romance, and Jar Jar. Star Wars fans were sufficiently amused… but thought the Chewbacca cameo was as forced as it was stupid.
What It Says About You: You’re a completist and you like to see things through to the end. You watched all of Heroes and Prison Break, and read every Wheel of Time book. You even acknowledge the existence of the Matrix sequels. Quitting is for losers and whiners, advice you shout at Yoda every time he chickens out during the big fight with Palpatine. Knowing the whole picture means you’re better equipped to judge its individual components, and when looking at the rest of the saga, Sith reigns supreme.
Yes, the original movies have a cheesy charm, but you can only appreciate puppets at arms length, and whenever Luke talks, all you hear is The Joker. You think people are overreacting a little bit when they favorably compare fiery castration to watching Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones; they weren’t amazing, movies but hey, you’ve got to eat your vegetables to fully appreciate dessert. You are not rationalizing your investment in a subpar product; the ending for Lost made sense to you, and you know for a fact that the last seasons of Dexter and How I Met Your Mother will be totally worth it.
Favourite Star Wars Accessories: R2D2 coloured Xbox 360, loaded with a copy of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Soundbite: “No pain, no gain. Want to go lift in my basement and watch season two of The Killing?”
Favourite Movies: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Saw 3D
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