More Parks and Recreation Characters As Cartoons from Vulture
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Your 12-Step Plan for Survivin' the Apocalypse
If you believe the Mayans, 2012 marks the End of Days. But post-apocalyptic life ain't so bad if you do it right. With scotch. And weed. And lots of animal abuse. Parks and Recreation's Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt show us how to persevere
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1 Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.
2 If there's any looting to be done, focus on marijuana dispensaries. If you don't live in California, that's too bad. We have marijuana dispensaries.
3 Assemble a posse of hooligan underlings, choosing a mix of muscular physiques and corpulent ones. Harvest fat from the chubbies and cook the muscular folks in it. When the fatties run out of cellulite to harvest, they are now prime, lean cooking specimens. Obviously you'll need to be fattening up new "team members" as you go, perpetuating the savory cycle.
4 Find gas. Don't try siphoning it, though. It is very difficult to do on these new cars, and you get a crazy headache. An ounce of precaution is worth a pound of succulent human flesh post-Apocalypse.
5 Find electricity. Toyota FJ Cruisers offer a convenient 115-volt plug-in. You have gas? You have electricity. Also, we really like Toyota FJ Cruisers. Can we have one for mentioning it in this article? Perhaps with an off-road TRD package and Warn winch bumper?
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6 Make sure your garage is filled with canned foods that don't taste good when you're stoned. Trust us, you don't want to end up eating forty cases of chili mac just 'cause it felt amazing in your mouth. We've been there. It gets expensive.
7 Batteries. Get some.
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8 Find a large grizzly bear. Punch it in the face. It's cool; no more PETA. If you enjoy it like we do, keep it up. Punch every bear you can find. Punch a cougar. Good times are hard to come by in the Apocalypse. If you accidentally kill the bear, don't let that good meat and coat go to waste. Cubs make cool post-apocalyptic pets.
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9 Find a suitable stream and construct a waterwheel. This will power your woodworking shop. Hone your woodworking skills until you and your progeny can produce Hula-hoops. When civilization returns, they will sell like hotcakes, and your fortune will be secured.
10 Just in case, starting immediately, carry a small go-pack at all times, containing fishing line, hooks, waterproof matches, a compass, a wire saw, and water-purification tablets. Or just get a Rambo knife. They look real badass.
11 Carry a lucky relic, like a watch or something, to pass on to your offspring right before you die: "Protect this watch. I kept it in my ass for two years in Nam." (Even if it's not true, this is what you should say.)
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12 Set out for the Massachusetts area with your team of marauders, living off human flesh and the occasional bear feast. Make your way to Fenway Park and play ball all day long. Nobody will stop you; it'll be totally awesome! Paint a huge cock and balls on the Green Monster! It'll be hilarious! Bring a few goats to keep the outfield trimmed and to attract bears for pleasure punching.
The Ben Schwartz Section
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Screening Of Showtime's "Hou$e Of Lie$"![]()
Q+A: 'Parks and Rec' joker Ben Schwartz serious on 'House of Lies'
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Fans of NBC's "Parks and Recreation" know Ben Schwartz as wildly deluded, eccentrically coiffed
Jean-Ralphio Saperstein -- a character who the actor says lives every moment like he's at Disney World. But we're about to see a brand new, considerably less goofy side of Schwartz on Showtime's "House of Lies."
The series, which premieres Sunday and costars Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell, follows a team of four management consultants who will do whatever it takes to close a deal, satisfy a client or boost their own career prospects. Although no one is a saint in this dark comedy, Schwartz's character, the cocky and calculating Clyde Oberholt, may be the most ruthless of all.
We spoke to the actor, comedian and writer during a break from his work on yet another TV project --
voicing the title character in the forthcoming Disney XD animated series "Randy Cunningham: Ninth Grade Ninja" -- about his role on "House of Lies" and how it compares to his gig on "Parks and Rec."
What kind of guy is your "House of Lies" character, Clyde Oberholt?He's the arrogant management consultant, always hitting on women. But at the same time, his eye is always on escalating where he is in the company. What everybody cares about is making that money, getting the deal, but Clyde eyes [his boss, Cheadle's] Marty Kaan, thinking, "I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna take over for him. I'm gonna find a way to be where he is." He always has that in the back of his head. Marty is best friends with me, but I'm not necessarily best friends with Marty.
"Parks and Recreation" is known for featuring some of the most likable characters on TV. On "House of Lies," the consultants and their profession are more morally ambiguous. How did you approach playing a darker character?
When I'm playing Jean-Ralphio, I'm thinking, "How would a guy who thinks he's nailing it say something? A guy who isn't even aware of how stupid the words he's saying would sound." But Clyde says things with intent. He's not going to waste time.Showtime is known for these flawed characters, and the idea of seeing the layers. Because of the way "House of Lies" is written, you get to see why [Clyde] would make a certain move or why he would act a certain way. Slowly, as the series goes, you see how the flawed characters either redeem themselves or keep crashing into oblivion. You watch all of us choose our paths and take our blows. It's a pretty exciting series arc.
Actors on "Parks and Rec" are mostly comedians with improv backgrounds. What was it like working with Cheadle and Bell, who are best known for their dramatic roles?"House of Lies" also stars Josh Lawson, who is an improviser from Australia. He and I clicked so hard. And Don Cheadle is so intensely funny in real life that he is able to catch on to any little bit you do. If we improvise, he is as quick as all of us. The amazing thing about him is that he can be hilarious, and then in the next sentence, he can make you cry. Kristen is hilarious -- if you saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," she was great in it. In between takes, we would all just play with each other. Our rapport has become so fun, and we've [developed] a great shorthand. I've been very fortunate. The casts on "House of Lies" and "Parks and Rec" are amazing.
Management consulting is a strange and mysterious field. How did you educate yourself about it to prepare for the role?I lucked out. The show was based on a book by Martin Kihn. He came in one day, and we talked, and it was amazing. It was hilarious to find out that the hardest question for [management consultants] to answer is what they do. It's hard for them to explain because half of it is bull. They con their way into getting the job done. So when I asked [Kihn], "How do you explain it?," he said, "We have a word-for-word answer, but your job is whatever it takes to get the job done." Almost like a chameleon, you change into whatever [your client] needs.
The characters on "House of Lies" are working with big-business leaders, and they're very aware that some of their clients are ethically bankrupt. How did the economic crisis and the rise of the 99% movement affect the show?Although we had wrapped before Occupy Wall Street and Occupy LA, you could predict that, in the future, these types of things were going to happen. Our showrunner, Matthew Carnahan, was very aware of it. It's definitely in the DNA of what our show is -- which I think is exciting. When we're going through something as a country, to have some sort of voice for it on television is pretty cool. If we got a second season, I cannot imagine the fun we could have with all the Occupy stuff.
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Interview: Ben Schwartz Talks "House of Lies," Jean-Ralphio's Ever-Elevating Hair & His Rejection-Filled Climb in Comedy
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Comedian Ben Schwartz doesn't just look like he's having fun, he truly is having the time of his life. Maybe that's why his bombastically-coiffed alter-ego, Park and Recreation's Jean-Ralphio Saperstein has developed a rabid-fan base that has taken to turning his every eccentric move into a GIF, a montage, or some other viral-ready form, despite the fact that he has only been in nine episodes. Maybe it can be attributed to the finely-tuned circus act he and Aziz Ansari have cultivated, his unmatched ability to end his every turn of phrase in rhyme, or his wonderfully smarmy attempts to lure in the ladies.
But more than likely, it's Schwartz's infectious energy that makes his expressive mug memorable in a sea of sober-faced talent. We spoke to the actor-writer about his new dark comedy on Showtime, House of Lies (which premieres Sunday, January 8th at 10 p.m. ET), in which he stars alongside Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, and Josh Lawson as a contrived consultant who unhesitatingly uses humans as stepping stones in his climb to the top, and it only served to contrast just how different the comedian's own rise was. After speaking with Schwartz about his circuitous climb to the top, and how he managed to make his way up entertainment's rejection-mined ladder with enthusiasm and humility in tact, we were left humbled and enthused ourselves. Now if we could only duplicate that 'do...
Most comedians are really narrow in their scope, but you're all over the place—in a good way.
What a terrible way to start an interview! Before you said "in a good way." You're kind of a fucking mess. [Laughs.][Laughs.] No, like a renaissance type of man! Which of your many roles is the most satisfying for you—writing, improv, or acting?
Oh, OK, I'm kind of excited now. I feel like you're not going to ask the same questions everyone else has. For me, my favorite thing in the world to do is improvising, doing stuff for UCB [Upright Citizens Brigade] on stage. I've been doing it for 10 years and it's the way I started. We don't get paid, but it's just amazing. But acting, like Parks And Recreation and House Of Lies and all the comedy stuff I've been doing, is really what I get the most joy out of.
Writing is fun as well, it's just intensely lonely when you're by yourself writing all day. The best feeling in the world is handing in a script that you wrote with your name on it. You feel good about it, but to write is such a process, and frustrating and all that stuff. I love performing with people. When I'm on Parks doing scenes with Aziz or Amy and acting with Don Cheadle it's really a joy. Improvising is something I've been doing my whole life. It's like play time.
As a comedian whose roots run really deep in UCB, what can you say about the worth of improv in general for would-be comics out there?
Improv is such a great tool for almost everything. It teaches you the basics, saying yes to something and adding to it. It teaches you what you're good at comedically, and teaches you how to get better at it and to find your voice and explore from there. It kind of helps everything. My writing is based on improv. I can do it with scenes when I'm kind of improving the whole scene dialogue-wise, and if you're allowed to improvise in audtions you can kind of add a little bit to the script and make the character more your own and impress people.
You're particularly adept at embodying Jean-Ralphio's schemin', womanizing shtick. Does that persona come naturally to you?
Schemin', you said? You didn't even put a a g on the end of it!
Yep. Schemin' and creepin' on the ladies. No g's.
[Laughs.] For me, my game is, I don't really have any game.
My game in real life is being nice and getting shut down hard. For me, Jean-Ralphio is embodying a character, and me being like, "He's such a douche bag." But he's a sweetheart. He doesn't know he's being a douche. He just really wants to have sex with women. It's so fun for me to figure out, "OK, in this situation, what's the skeeziest way to try to pick up this girl? Oh, I'm going to go over and smell her hair before I even say a word to her." In my real life, I don't use it at all, but it's so fun to do it on camera.
You've never attempted to take any of those moves off-screen?
No! I think a human being would get slapped for that. I don't think I'd want to go out with a girl who'd want to go out with Jean-Ralphio.
I don't think I'd want to date a woman who, when I go up to her and start dancing like a crazy person and licking her neck would be like, "Oh, this is the person I've been looking for!" Is having Aziz as your skeezy partner in crime helpful in terms of your comedic timing?
So much.
The whole idea behind how they built the character is that I'm his best friend, so I know everything about him and we kind of act the same. And it's kind of hilarious, because in any other situation he's the one who is kinda weird and eccentric and being like, "Uh oh, uh oh!" And when I come in, I'm an exaggerated version of that, so somehow he'll become the straight man because I'm being so crazy.It's fun for both of us because it's the first time where someone is as like-minded as him in his endeavors, like trying to pick up women and starting Snake Juice and our own company. It's extremely helpful when someone comes out with an idea for you to be like-minded in that. So if someone loves puppies, it's really fun for me to come out on stage and really love puppies as well. So for both of us to enjoy being douches and picking up women, it becomes so much fun.
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It's fun to watch you two in action together.
[Last season] was so good. I only get to read the scripts that I'm in and those are amazing. I think the last episode may be my favorite Jean-Ralphio episode so far.
Being that you don't get the scripts, do you watch the show so you can follow everything else that is going on?
Oh, I'm a huge fan of the show. Last year, I was in three episodes a year. I had a quick scene where I did a best man speech. So when I got that script, I didn't read any other part of the script because I didn't want to spoil it for myself, so I only read my little scene and learned my lines. I didn't even want to know who was getting married, because I'm so into the show. I think it's the best comedy on TV right now. It blows me away. So on Parks, Jean-Ralphio and Tom (Aziz Ansari) created the elaborate, although fruitless, media company Entertainment 720. Have you ever had any business ventures as creative as Jean-Ralphio's?
I try to put my hand in as much as I can. At the beginning, when I was trying to get made, I had no money so I used to do everything I could. I used to freelance for anywhere—Letterman, [SNL's] "Weekend Update." I tried to sell a book, I tried to write a script for a TV show—I try to always keep myself busy. Like, "Oh, maybe I'll try to start a T-shirt company." Even if I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, I'll try to find someone else who knows what they're doing and try to work it out.
The way I started, I just really wanted to do entertainment and I wanted to write and act so badly that I tried every single avenue at the beginning to try to hit it. I knew that if I failed at the beginning I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't let myself be lazy for a second. And I failed at a bunch of them, but the more you put out there and the harder you work, you hopefully get a little bit lucky and one of them will hit.On your new show, House Of Lies, you showcase a more darkly comedic side of yourself.
The show in general is darker. It follows four management consultants who are deeply flawed. The whole idea of the show is to go to the business and do whatever it takes to get that person's work. We literally have sex with people, screw people over—we don't care about anybody else in the world except for ourselves. All we are doing is protecting ourselves. I think that's a very specific type of human being that's able to do that, to not give a fuck about anybody in the world but themselves and truly not care.
The most fun in the show is when the four of us are together and we're just fucking with each other. It's so funny and it's great. But when it's time to do work, we'll screw over anybody. We'll do anything that we can do to get the job. All we care about is getting that money and keeping our jobs, and then we go to the next place. We go from one job to another job to another job. We're on planes all the time, so you have to be someone who doesn't care about their personal life.
How does playing a heavier role like that compare to playing a character like Jean-Ralphio?
On House Of Lies I play an arrogant, smooth-talking guy. It's a character that would exist in real life.
There are things that Jean-Ralphio does that nobody does. There is not a real human being that would ever do those things. And I love doing that because it's almost a caricature of one of the guys you've seen around. And [Clyde on] House Of Lies is a character that has flaws and real things happen. When he gets upset or nervous you can see it in his face, and when he goes through shit, and he thinks he's going to be in jeopardy, either in his personal life or his professional life, his whole attitude changes. He'll do anything to makes sure he is working and he'll fuck over anybody.
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Marty, Don Cheadle's character on the show, seems like the most cutthroat of the bunch. Is Clyde's approach as cutthroat as Marty's is, or are your more of the antithesis of him?
There's so much stuff in my head when I do the character, the things that I want that aren't even written in the episode yet, but in my head I'm like, "Oh, my character is going to end up doing this." Because it's the first season, so we really learn about Marty and the reason why Marty is more cutthroat. He's like the Michael Jordan of the group. If we go places and a different management consultant sees us, they look at him and they're like, "Oh shit, that's Marty. He's the big guy. He's the number one guy." Even though we work for the number two firm, he's the dude. He's notorious. We all look up to him and we all kind of learn. But at the same time, him and Clyde are very good friends, but in the back of his head I'm sure he's like, "I'd fuck him over in a second." Because that's what these people are bred to think. That's what Cheadle's character thinks, so why wouldn't mine?
Is there anything in that mentality that you that can relate to?
I think it's more of a pathetic aspect [that I can relate to]. In this field, right now I'm doing Parks, House Of Lies, I'm writing some movies and another book, but
in my head, the second House Of Lies wraps, I'll be totally nervous thinking, "I need to get my next job." I'm always scared it's just going to end. I've been so fortunate in the stuff that I've gotten. I'll always drive myself to think about the next thing and think, "Am I going to work again? When am I going to work again?" I think that's something that translates to this character. That every job—they need to get it. If they lose a job, there's a chance they lose their job at the company and they lose everything.
Do you have that fear because your J.J. Abrams project Undercovers got canceled?
It's been since the beginning. I know this is pathetic, but when I graduated college, my ex-girl at the time forced me to do long-form improv because I was too nervous to audition and too nervous to be rejected by the college troupe, and be told "You're not funny enough to be on this"—we're getting very real by the way—but, I luckily got on. I came home and I told my parents I really want to do comedy. I know there's not a lot of money in it, but I want to try it for a year and see if it sticks. And they were really supportive. In my head it just clicked that it was what I want to do.
I just want it to keep going. I don't want it to stop. In my head, when Undercovers got canceled I was like, "Fuck, I gotta get another TV show," and I was fortunate that I was able to be picky this year. At Showtime, when we were auditioning, they pitched it to me that I can improvise, I can curse, and I can really explore stuff. And, I was like, you know what, I really like Showtime and HBO shows and I love the freedom that they have, but I really still want to do Parks And Rec. So it was something that I worked out that I can fit in Parks And Rec while I was doing that.There are going to be a slew of new shows hitting the scene in 2012. I mean, even Charlie Sheen has a sitcom lined up. What do you think House Of Lies greatest draw will be, in terms of the competition?
I'm very particular about the things that I watch and I mostly only watch comedies because I like to learn. For me personally, the second I heard Don Cheadle was doing a television show, I would watch it because I think he's one of the best actors right now.
It's a very slick and differently shot show. It's totally different than any Showime show. You get to see comedy mixed with real stuff happening, mixed with people really learning about themselves. I think when you watch a Showtime show, you get to really delve into that stuff a lot more and get to see the underbelly of business. If you watch a network show about the underbelly of business, it's going to be really different than a Showtime show. We get to show you the disgusting stuff that truly happens.
I think it's really going to be fun. I think it's going to be a hit new...who knows. I thought Undercovers was going to be the biggest thing in the world. But I truly do love our pilot. If you give it a couple episodes, you learn so much in those four episodes. I feel like people will get hooked and keep coming back for more. You'll care about the comedic ideas and the story ideas as well. I really believe in it and I think it will be really fun.
As a writer, are you always fighting the urge to add and improvise on the material given to you?
Luckily, for Parks and House Of Lies, I'm encouraged to improvise. It's one of those things, at the beginning the four of us [on House Of Lies] will sit down with the script and play with it a little bit. The writers are awesome. But on Parks And Rec, it's just crazy. They'll do something on Parks And Rec called "fun run," which doesn't happen in a lot of places, where you get to just play around. Sometimes Jean-Ralphio's fun run stuff will end up in the episode and I won't even remember saying it and I'll see it on TV and be like, "That's amazing that they put that in there."
I love the Jean-Ralphio highlight reel on your site, Rejected Jokes.
It's crazy! NBC made that!
I was like, "Oh god, I can't believe people care about this character enough." The funniest thing was one of the comments that someone said: "The Best of Jean-Ralphio is just every scene Jean-Ralphio is in."
That's a compliment, right?
Yeah, I think so, but also in my head, being down on myself, I was like, "Oh yeah. They just took all of my scenes and put them together."Well, if every scene was funny…
I hope that's the case. I loved watching that. Also, the people on the Internet have been so cool, making GIFs of him and stuff.
I hope they loved this season. My hair was huge this year! Since they'd started a company and were trying to be ballers,
my one thing coming in was like, "I think he would blow out his hair and make it fucking enormous"...to match the amount of success of Entertainment 720.You've got quite a mop.
It's pretty hilarious. I think that's the most talked about thing. It's bad when everyone's like, "Yeah, Jean-Ralphio's got weird hair, man," and I'm like, "OK, cool."
Speaking of your website, you have to improve on your Wikipedia page. It's looking pretty vacant considering how much you've done lately. What's up with that? Do I need to go in there and make some additions?
[Laughs.] I didn't make it! Every now and then I'll check up on it. I'll be like, "Where did they get that picture from?" It's a little all over the place. I kind of love that it keeps changing with false information. Maybe this interview will help fill in all the right information.
One of the few things that it does say is that you got started faxing your jokes to Saturday Night Live. Is that true?
I started by doing UCB, and then I was a page for David Letterman, which means you show people to their seats, show them where their bathroom is, and give them tickets. And I worked that into being a freelance writer for the monologue, which means I would fax in jokes. So I'd fax in 15 jokes every day to Letterman. Then Horatio Sanz over at SNL helped me out, because he was a UCB guy and he said, "Hey, you should do it for SNL." So I did it for SNL, so again I'd wake up really in the morning and fax in jokes. I didn't put it on my resumé until I got a cerain amount of jokes on.
What was the magic number?
On Letterman it was three. I ended up getting 15 or more, but I only got like two jokes on SNL. It was in the same show. It was when Horatio had subbed in for Tina Fey on "Weekend Update." I thought he was so funny in it. And he used two of my jokes, and the jokes were so racy I could not believe he used them. They were so fucked up, and it got great reactions. I was so proud of myself that day.
I remember the first time Letterman said one of my jokes. I was a page so I was inside watching the show, and my heart was beating out of my chest. I was like, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god." It was a really fun moment. It was that dream like, "Maybe there's a chance I won't be showing people to the bathroom when he says it."
I think writing is terrifying in some aspects because you're saying, "This is what I think is funny, this is what I'm capable of. Tell me what you think." People can judge your words. Writing is a fucking scary thing.I was wondering if you had a favorite joke that got shot down?
My website Rejected Jokes, the way that it started is that I would take all of those jokes that were rejected from both of those show and I would perform them in front of an audience of zero and they would bomb. I've almost hidden all of these from the site because I'm really embarassed, because, you know, I didn't know how to perform in front of a camera. But guests would come—Seth Green, Rob Whaley, Seth Riggle—and the website got a little bit popular.
How often do you get rejected now?
Oh, constantly. If you think about auditioning, you have to have such thick skin. You know you're going to fail in this business. You can do your best job and come in and audition for something and really kill it and knock it out of the park and then they just look at me and be like, "Yeah, but you're not right for the role"
Do they give you specific feedback on why you're "not right"?
Sometimes they'll want like a super hot dude or someone who's not Jewish. Or again, there are some times I go in and I'm not good or they don't think I'm funny.
But the whole idea in improv is not being afraid to fail and saying yes to everything. But with writing, when you really put your heart into something and hand it to somebody, like a script: When you sell it, it's amazing and when it doesn't go, it sucks.Just as an aside, is Kristin Bell as hot in person?
She's fucking gorgeous. She's 5'1 and she's so funny, so sweet and so nice.
She's just a beautiful little woman.
Rob Lowe in New York
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He looks like an 80-year-old Jared Leto.Interviewing Darren Criss with Kelly Ripa
Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson
Scary...
Misc. Pictures
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He looks smart.
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Bonus: Will Arnett on Letterman
Other
Watch House of Lies and other Showtime shows for free this weekend. No one paid me to say that.
College Humor Best of Ben Schwartz PlaylistHappy New Year from the cast [Video]
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Fans of NBC's "Parks and Recreation" know Ben Schwartz as wildly deluded, eccentrically coiffed Jean-Ralphio Saperstein -- a character who the actor says lives every moment like he's at Disney World. But we're about to see a brand new, considerably less goofy side of Schwartz on Showtime's "House of Lies."
It's fun to watch you two in action together. 
Marty, Don Cheadle's character on the show, seems like the most cutthroat of the bunch. Is Clyde's approach as cutthroat as Marty's is, or are your more of the antithesis of him?
